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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  November 7, 2012 12:00am-12:30am PST

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hands and if so did debra's mom remember the orange slices. with the election over, do we lance the boil of hyper partisanship once and for all and begin to heal or do we let it callous over into an abscess, saved by the puss of the media who thrive on an atmosphere of petty squabbling and personal visit recall. that's a high price to pay for momentary political games. i for one am more than willing to have you pay it. [laughter] so if your guy won, when you pull into work tomorrow, just take a moment and have a few doughnuts in the parking lot. then if you're like me, stride into work, sport your throbbing victory wood. don't wave it in everybody's face. or if you do wave it, be considerate and hang an air fresh nursfreshener on it. meanwhile if your guy lost, bite
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your tongue, focus on your work and the first chance you get, you punch that a-hole right in the air freshener and you say see you in 2016. good night america. [crowd cheering] god bless you all. captioned by media access group at wgbh - she's been dead maybe ten minutes. - like head chopped off. - no, she died of, like, natural causes. - i'd do it, man. she was cute as hell in commando. i'd show her who's the boss. poison her ivy. - whoa. something's up. - guys, we've been boiler roomed. telamericorp was just a shell of a company. alice probably felt some heat from the feds, right? so she packed up in the middle of the night. that makes me vin diesel. - ooh, i'm giovanni ribisi.
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- oh, i'm like a scott cann- jamie kennedy combo doggie then. - jamie kennedy, maybe. i feel that experience. [cell phone rings] - hello? [whispers] it's alice. okay, let's talk. what's the vig to get in on your game? - why aren't you here yet? [snaps fingers] - why aren't we where yet? - oh, christ, you're at the old offices, aren't you? we moved offices over the weekend. it's all i've talked about for weeks. - guys, we moved offices. - oh, yeah, i totally forgot. - yeah, um, alice... - oh, wait, wait, let me-- hey, alice, so we're done with the old office, right? we're never going back? - yeah, never. now, get your asses over here and get to work, please. - okay, thanks, alice. you sound like you're looking good today. [pounding rock music] oh, yeah! [all shouting] - ♪ destroy ♪ destroy
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- i feel like i'm at a garth brooks show. - kick it. he's talented. [all shouting] [laughter] [cell phone rings] - hello? oh, hey, alice. how are you? what's up? - hey, if you're still at the office, can you let the inspector in? he's locked out. i don't want to piss him off and not get the $8,000 security deposit back. - um, no, no, no, no. you must have misunderstood us. we are not at the old office. we are watching the old office, the tv show, on an ipad in the car on the way to the new office. - what? hello? [hip-hop music] - ♪ i'm fresh ♪ you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, gotta be fresh ♪ - oh, hell no, bitch. these offices suck.
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- where the hell are we supposed to park? there's, like, no spots. guess we gotta park on the street, even though there's extra handicap spots. - what the heck? we have one handicapped dude at our office-- wheelchair mike. - lucky bitch. i wish i were handicapped. those guys are so lucky, dude. - human rabbits' feet. - alice, how many handicapped people do we have in this office? - that a trick question? - [silly voice] we have but one. - ooh, i'm gonna talk like that too. alas, there are but two handicap parking spots, which is arithmetic, milady. - yeah, you do the math. hmm? - alice, what they're trying to say is that there's no spots out there for normal people like us, all right? so i'm out there, parked on the street, and what, i'm supposed to, what, move my car every two hours? - that's stupid. - get real. - act real, alice, 'cause guess what. we're here every day at 10:00. okay, maybe 10:02. but when we get here, the parking lot's all packed out, and we're s.o.o.l. - so why don't you just scratch our butts a little bit and give us the bonus handicap parking spot, okay? - first of all, work starts at 9:00.
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yeah. and see this? this is me making a note of giving you that spot. "give parking spot to idiots. change tampon...kill self." - uhh, change tampon-- grody. - that's not funny. don't kill yourself. - hey, anders... - what? hang on. - if you're parked on the street, there's a guy out there writing tickets. - move it! move it! - see? - great. - we were just kidding about that 10:00 thing. we get here every day at, uh-- at... - 9:00. - 9:00! that's when we get-- because we're working. - hey, wayman! move! god--sorry! no, no, no, no, no, no! no! no! no! hey, hey, hey. halt! stop! buddy, hey-- buddy, buddy, buddy, come-- you gotta be kidding me, man! gotta be kidding me. what--no! - whoa, whoa, whoa. hey, you chill out, buddy. you're gonna bust a nut, and i'm not talking that good kind. - just throw it away, man. pretend like you never got it. that's what i did with my std test. - you can't do that. that's, like, socially dangerous.
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- ooh-hoo-hoo! - we're surrounded by ghosts. the place is haunted. built on a burial ground. i'm positive of it. - it is so weird you said that, 'cause right when you said that, i got chills. - yeah, i'm freezing. - there's that...vent. - there's a vent right there. - yeah, there's a vent up there. - there's still ghosts. - i don't think it's the vent, either-- - hey, guys, shut the [bleep] up for a second. ticket--60 bucks for street cleaning. - 60 bucks? - what? - you know how many corndogs we could buy with that? like, three boxes. - yeah, a lot of corndogs. - 60. they're, like, going for a dollar. yeah. - i don't understand alice. she clogs up the parking lot arteries with all these handicap spots, where regular people can't even park. it's all mutant parking. - who knew having a car was gonna be such a drag? makes you wonder how somebody like drake handles their entire fleet. - yeah, well, he's from a lawless country. - there's no laws. here in the u.s., you gotta work within the system. okay, if you want a handicap parking pass, you gotta go out and get a handicap parking pass. you gotta beat the system up from the inside.
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like rappers with vaginas. like, because they beat 'em. - yeah. - whatever it takes, man. i just don't want to get another ticket. i mean, is it weird if we made up a handicap, like, a disease? what's the disease that old people get where you start forgetting things? what is that? - old timers. - yeah, still, i don't know if that's a good idea. it's not cool to pretend you're handicapped. right? - whoa! i got it. telamericorp is hiring, right? we can ask our real-life handicapped cousin devin to work here, and use his pass! - yeah. that'll work. - all right. - i haven't seen him in a while, though. i'm excited to see him. he couldn't come to thanksgiving because my grandma's house has stairs, and he can't walk up stairs! [laughing] oh, man, that guy.
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- oh, jeez! are there cats everywhere? [cats meowing] - [whispers] devin? - some funky cold medina. - adam? what's the story with this dude? - his name was just devin. devin demamp. he was just like us-- cool, handsome, gnar. two years ago, he saw this little girl... crossing the street. this fire truck was barreling towards her and just-- - bam! guys: oh! - jeez! - [deranged laugh] truck knocks me 40 feet straight into a brick wall. ♪ now i'm ballin' off government checks ♪ ♪ like obama bin laden [beatboxing] - oh. oh, sure.
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- [continues beatboxing] - yeah! - all right. you remember. he taught me that. - what's up? what's going on? - what is going on, my hero? - nada mucho. who are the, uh, butt[bleep] twins? - oh, the butt[bleep] twins? - yeah. - this is ders, and this is blake. this is my cousin devin. - [growls playfully] please, call me big fat. - right. - no, dummy. hand me the churro plate behind you. [laughter] - he got you, dude. - thank you so much. - he got you. he's funny. he's a funny dude. [laughter] you're looking good, man. - oh, thank you. - you dropped some lbs, huh? - yeah, i lost some weight. where'd it go? oh, there it is. get it back. - oh, i'll get it. [both shouting, laughing] - i love that. - oh! oh! oh! oh! it feels like a real woman's boob, dude. - tickles, bro. - get in here. blake, hit this, man. - you sure? - yeah. do it. oh! - whoa! [both grunting, laughing] hey, ders, come try it, man. - i'm good, i'm good.
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i don't want to lose my watch, so you know.... - gay dudes--always worried about time. - is that true? i didn't know that. - so you guys seem to be getting a pretty sweet dealio, but what's in it for me? - duh. you get to get out of this sorry basement, and you get a job. - duh, why would i want to do that, smart guy? take a look around. xbox live, howard tv, my cat circus. - you are a gangster, man. you're like... rick ross with extra sauce. - yeah, you're like a one-man g unit! - come on, ask him. - actually, we really do need that pass, man. unfortunately, ders's micro-machine penis doesn't classify him as handicapped. [laughter] it should, though. it should, though, it's so small. - you wanna see it? you keep calling it small? might as well just show it to you. - [as cat] wait, i wanna see it. i got front-row seats over here. my dick's bigger than yours. [laughter] - you wanna see it? - i've seen it. i've seen it! - whoa, slow down. - i've seen it. - keep your grub worm in its hole, okay? - i can tell you it's bigger than a cat's dick. - yeah. - i'm sorry about that, dude.
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but will you help a brother that's actually a cousin out, just ' brother? - we get it, dude. we get it. sit in your chair, chub up. but all we're asking for is a parking pass. that's it. - yeah. - all right, you guys can have the pass. it's cool. - what'd i say? what'd i say? - now, get on out of here. i'm about to watch a chick masturbate with a summer sausage on the internet. - oh, no, you don't. devin. these boys just offered you a job, and you are taking it. - mom, i'm not taking some stupid job! can we not do this again? - your disability is about to run out, and i am not footing the bill while you masturbate your life away! - mama! - dude, it's cool. you can just come and try it out--i work there. - no! - devin demamp! i will call animal services to come for your cats. - someone get me a bucket and soap. big fat's about to get a job. - here we are. - yeah. [all talking at once]
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- oh, yeah. - like a glove. - livin' that handicap life! parking. - there we go. - yeah, mama! - there you go, big buddy. - i don't want to sound arrogant, but i feel like i was always meant to park in handicap spots. - you're basically a handicapped dude, my brother. - don't i know it. - now, this is parking! - i just said that. this is parking. there's no other way to say it, though. this is parking. - hey, guys! i'm stuck! [beatboxing] yo! seriously, i'm stuck. - yeah, i forgot how fat you were, bud. can't get out of the car.
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- so welcome to the dragon's lair. that's what i call the break room. - it's pretty sick. - yeah. - we're gonna go talk to alice, get you a job! - whoa, whoa. - pump the brakes, fellas. you guys already have the parking spot, you're good to go. and as long as my mom thinks i have a job here, i'm good to go. but there ain't a chance in hell that i'm clocking in to this fart factory. not happening. - all right.
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- all right, well, hey, here is the tv. so enjoy the view. the show. the show the view. - all right, guys, let's go. we got work to do. uh, we make the world turn, unlike you. - that and my stomach. [laughter] - stay fat, bro. - ow! [laughing] all right. love you, bro. - love you too, dude. - don't mind if i squeeze... yes. how you doing? some butt you got there. yeah. do you wipe it? [laughs] i'm kidding. but seriously, can i? - i don't appreciate you talking to me like that. - okay. i'm being selfish. how 'bout i start over? do you, uh, wanna suck my tits? [laughs] come here.
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- [whispers indistinctly] - what? my yogurt? in the break room? oh, my go-- i gotta call you back. about to catch me a case. yo, let's go! you don't eat a man's yogurt. that's all i can eat. you know what i'm saying? i'm on a diet. this is unbelievable. someone eatin' my yogurt. - fight? - i will kill a man right now. - who's fighting? is someone fighting? fight! fight! fight! fight! - you can't be snackin' on my snacks like that! - gimme the news, not the dick breath, ya butt slug! i'll eat what i want! - you got no respect for another man's live cultures. we about to get it on! - okay, let's go! [all shouting at once] - get off my cousin! - get off me! get off me! - watch it, dude. - okay, what the hell is going on in here? - listen, lady, why don't you just-- [charming muzak plays] why don't i apologize to everyone in this room for what i just did-- totally uncalled for. i'm sorry, everyone. - sure. great. what are you? - he's my cousin! [laughter] - of course he is. - and since we're hiring, i figured he'd be a great member of the sales team, right?
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plus, he's a local hero. - yeah. he sure is. jumped in front of a fire truck, saved a little girl's life. - miss, i promise you i will give you my best, and i will deliver. - all right, whatever, but you three are responsible for training him. and if he doesn't deliver, it's on you. what are you looking at? come on, let's go! - he ate my yogurt. - team demamp! yes. aw, dude, we just got you a job. team demamp. - oh, hi. - cat lover? - oh, yes. uh, it's actually the anniversary of my cat brent hoffman's death. i miss my dead, dead cat. - i am so sorry to hear that. - thank you. now i'm the proud owner of seven, which some people think is weird. - you know, i think it's weird if you don't have more. - well, i did until this one died. [both laughing] - you know, i have a dozen cats myself. you should come over and breed. with my cats. - oh. - cats. you should breed with my cats. - well, yeah, that would be nice.
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- yeah. okay. - but i should-- i should go. - totally. - it was nice to meet you. - so nice meeting you. - yeah. - okay. we'll see ya. okay... - damn. - move over, ms. quiznos, big fat's got a new chick. [laughter] - if you really wanted to make a good joke, you could have said "move over miss wendy's," 'cause it's a woman. - you see this? it means not wendy's. - mmm, toasty! - okay. - yeah, that's hardcore. - that gets me hungry, dude! - that's hardcore. - ♪ he's insane
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[laughter] i gotta let this one fly, boys. - oh, that's foul. [all talking at once] - smells like waffles. - no, it doesn't smell like anything from this planet. - how many waffles have you been eating? - we're trying to help you, big fat. i mean, yes, we want your parking pass, but don't you want to do anything with your life? - this is what you call a life? is this your legacy? is this your sistine chapel? here lies ders, the telameridork, father of two broke gays. i saved a little girl's life, bro. i'm a hero. - you are not a hero. you're human mold in breakaway sweatpants. you're the kind of stain that makes adam throw out his underwear. - get him! wait, what? - how 'bout i just take my parking pass and get on outta here? - go. - okay, i'm going. - i can't take this. - hey, honey. you wanna roll with me, grab some lunch, rule the world? - i'm sorry, i'm on the phone--just one second.  - [bleep] this. i'm outta here. all right. [grunting] - big fat, my man, chill out.
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we're all a little worked up, probably from that fart. - dude, that was a barn burner! - hey, come on, let's be feasible or whatever. slow down. give us a few days, okay? we're gonna figure this out. - we don't need to figure anything out. i'm gonna go park the car on the street. we'll take the bus. do our part. save the planet! - okay, i give up. we need that pass because i cannot ride the bus. homeless people wipe their hands off in my hair. so once again, it is arithmetic, man. - and if i'm being real, i'm worried about you, man. what are you gonna do when your disability runs out? huh? - really? you too? - hey, your cuz, he's right. that horrific accident you were in, that was lucky. and we can't make lightning strike luck twice. we can't. - or can we? - make lightning do what blake... said it doesn't do. - workman's comp. you get hurt at work, the checks don't stop. - how do we even know this is something that's real? - oh, come on, sad dads across america do it all the time. probably one doing it right now. - guys, i'm just gonna think about this.
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- i didn't know a hero could be such a big pussy. - suit me up. - yes! - all right! - yeah! - it's gonna be cool! - that's what i'm talking about, brother. - ready? - throw! - [bleep] [grunting, groaning] [bleep] [chuckles] all: whoa! - you got some air! you got some air! - did you break anything? - nope. - unh! - nothin'. - what? - what are you doing, devin? - i...fell. - no, we pushed him, okay? this guy wants to go back to living in his basement, so we're giving him workman's comp in exchange for a handicap parking pass. - i wish somebody would have told me that i was working on saturday, 'cause this is just sad. all of this on the day that would have been my cat brent's 27th birthday in human years. he never even got to ride a roller coaster. - sorry about your cat, but don't blame big fat.
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[all beatboxing] - do it. do it. do it. do it. - you guys are just as sad. i--i shouldn't even say this, but i was coming in here to tell you you're getting another ticket. - what? i just moved it! - hey, we'll see you later, big dude. thanks anyways. - later. - i'll come over in a few weeks, eat some tortas. tell aunt holly hi. - this can't be happening. i just want a fair shake! can i just get a-- you! this is your fault. i'm gonna rip your tits off and use 'em as cereal bowls! you get me? - [audio slowed] the cleaners! - holy [bleep]! are you okay? that was insane! - that was a close call. - that was insane! - oh, we thought we lost you. - i don't think that's gonna happen, buddy. - oh, my god! [guys gasp] - who needs a leg when all you wanna do is eat doritos and watch brazzers all day? - we did it! - yeah!


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